The Careless Couple’s relationship starts quickly (received with joy) and may even appear to be thriving (shoots up quickly). This is possible because they avoid conflict, and consequently, they lack experience in successfully resolving conflict. The pressure to be liked by one’s partner results in behaviors that avoid failure and rejection.

The couple acts too quickly without considering if they can finish what they started. They tend to seek the benefits of marriage before they’ve built a foundation to sustain those benefits. This impatience may show up, for example, as a financial crisis (debt) or pregnancy before marriage. The discovery of personal and relational weaknesses threatens to wither the relationship. The shocked reaction is too often, “Oh, no! Did I choose the wrong person?” Complications, which may only be a normal rite of passage, become a crisis of doubt as the couple questions whether they can overcome their obstacles.

Couple Characteristics

• The honeymoon effect: extreme highs followed by shock, fear, and disappointment;
• A one-dimensional, superficial focus on excitement;
• A lack of genuineness: compromising values to create the illusion of being one;
• Conflict avoidance, along with denial of difficulty;
• Dependence on pleasure now: all that matters is this moment;
• Creation of emotional debt by recklessly borrowing against future happiness;
• A strong temptation to give up when difficulty surfaces; and
• Fear and intolerance of conflict, separation, individual space, differences, preferences and opinions.

This couple endures hardship responsibly because of their high regard for marriage. But intimacy between them is blocked because they are distracted by the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth. The thorns represent a distraction away from what is most important.

While their potential for marital success is high, too many weeds demand their attention. The relationship is last on a long list of other things they consider more interesting or more urgent.

Couple Characteristics

• Emotional distance: a lack of expressiveness and passion;
• Growth that has slowed or ceased altogether;
• Emphasis on separate, individual pursuits;
• A focus on responsibilities (productivity, money, kids, etc.) more than on the relationship;
• So busy they are ships passing in the night and feel like roommates or strangers;
• A sense of “I am no longer in love”; and
• An unhealthy stability.

Good soil allows a healthy root structure below ground and a healthy branch structure above ground, resulting in quantities of fruit many times more than the other soils. In the same way, the established couple develops a healthy endurance while maintaining a healthy passion resulting in a thriving and intimate marriage.

The journey to an established relationship begins with keeping the passion while learning how to endure. A couple needs wisdom to balance these two nutrients in the Good Soil. Marriages aren’t born with this wisdom, but it comes as the couple experiences their lives together.

Couple Characteristics

• Resolution of conflict resulting in a win-win;
• Acceptance and tolerance for their partner’s shortcomings;
• Balance enjoying the relationship (excitement) and working on the relationship (stability);
• Realistic expectations;
• Their emotional needs being met often by their partner;
• Their emotional needs being appropriately met by others;
• A reflection of God’s love to their children and others they know; and
• A sense of a legacy.

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-24

Genesis 2:24 contains a succinct and profound description of marriage. The verse includes three essential actions that make an authentic marriage:

1. A man will leave his father and mother;
2. Be united to his wife; and
3. They will become one flesh.

In his book I Married You, Walter Trobisch defines marriage as:

1. The Wedding: The public and legal act that announces to the world the formation of a new family unit;
2. Faithfulness: The loving commitment to be faithful companions growing in intimate knowledge of each other; and
3. The Sexual Union: The physical union of husband and wife that represents their faithfulness.

However, this doesn’t give the impression that marriage is a dynamic and cyclical process.

In Genesis 1:28 God exhorts Adam and Eve to be fruitful, multiply, and to fill, subdue, and have dominion over the earth. Bearing fruit and multiplying ensures theirs will not be the last marriage. Adam and Eve’s children eventually form their own families. This fourth step brings the process full circle:

1. Leave past affiliations;
2. Protect growing intimacy;
3. Join together as one to produce fruit; and
4. Multiply and release offspring into the world.

Based on these four steps (and some thoughts from previous chapters), I propose the following as a working definition of marriage:

God joining together a man and a woman, loyal to each other for life, who each contribute distinct but equally important abilities towards the completion of a fruitful mission greater than can be accomplished apart.